Friday, April 21, 2017

April 21, Putz o' the Week


April 21, 2017 Putz o' the Week
William James O'Reilly Jr.




Aka: Gasbag McBlovy


This one was way, way too easy. Yes, I know, we have Sessions, we have "Keep it Simple" Gorsuch, we have #45 (please let us not have him for much longer), we even have international contenders in France's Marine la Pen and that angry, stupid child in North Korea. But this week presented us with a man who, if not born to the title, has been proudly establishing his Putz bona fides on a national stage for about twenty-eight years. And this week it all kinda sorta came back to bite him in the ass. Oh, that we all could suffer such ass biting.

Bill O'Reilly has been making a very lucrative (I was about to use "handsome", but this putz would like that a bit too much) living by being that insufferable know-it-all uncle who makes Thanksgiving a misery since 1989. That is when he signed on as host of "Inside Edition", a syndicated show that was a pioneer in the field of Infotainment. Please raise your hand if you think society has realized any benefits from the introduction and subsequent proliferation of Infotainment.

I can wait.

Anyone?

I didn't think so.

Uncle Bill, on the other hand, found this particular perversion of journalism very much to his liking. He had a knack for it. He also discovered it was the perfect vehicle for someone who has a talent for dominating the conversation not through well considered insight, but through sheer bombast, arrogance and intimidation. True, he kept the smooth, smirky, "know-it-all" persona front and center most of the time and lots of people found it entertaining, deluding telling themselves they were in on the joke and he was talking down to "other people" but the true nature of anyone's character can often be found in how they respond to stress and this clip tells us a lot about what ol' Bill is really like.


But let's get to the real reason why O'Reilly so richly deserves PotW honors. He's a schmuck around women. This should come as no surprise. Men who admire themselves on a deep and ridiculous level believe a couple of things when it comes to the opposite sex.

#1:  Women want me
#2:  And why wouldn't they? I'm pretty amazing. Hell, I'm better than amazing. The masses adore me. Everything I touch, no matter how lame (ever read one of O'Reilly's books?*) turns to gold. I'm a rock superstar in a suit. Hell, I'm a freakin' god.

And when you're a god, any delectable morsel of a mortal ought to be thrilled to be chosen as a plaything. Right?

Not so much.

It would be a shock if O'Reilly's crass behavior towards women didn't actually start much earlier in his career as a putz, but the first officially documented event to bring it to our attention happened in 2004 when an associate producer accused O'Reilly of making sexually explicit phone calls to her in which he described his fantasies to her. She also alleged that he advised her to use a vibrator. This is generally considered to be inappropriate workplace behavior and an excellent reason for dismissal. Unless you are a rock superstar/god who makes his employer a boatload of money every year. In that case a few million dollars are offered to the offended party and you move on.

To the next delectable morsel.

So far we know of at least four women who have told similar tales and who have been paid to go away. But then appeared lawyer Lisa Bloom and her clients, one of whom O'Reilly allegedly addressed as "Hot Chocolate", and they pledged not to go anywhere until the putz was fired.

Which happened this week with this announcement from 21st Century Fox, the parent company of Fox "News" (quotation marks fully intended to convey what you think they should):

"After a thorough and careful review of the allegations, the Company and Bill O'Reilly have agreed that Bill O'Reilly will not be returning to the Fox News Channel."

Translation: Advertisers are pulling out by the dozens and it looks like the putz is more trouble than he's worth to us.

Which sounds like the putz has finally gotten what he deserves, right?

If only. A final paycheck of somewhere between 20 and 25 million dollars is part of the parting of the ways between Fox and O'Reilly. So at least the world remains consistent in rewarding putzes no matter what.

Next week we'll try to move on to Putzes of True Importance Who Might Bring About the Downfall of Society or Even Turn the Planet Into a Smoldering Lump.

But this week we give a nod and the finger to...

Bill O'Reilly. Putz o' the Week and about damned time.

Hey, what woman wouldn't want to play slap and tickle with this dashing pseudo-journalist?



*Check out this excerpt from "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver". At about the two minute mark we are treated to the Putz Himself reading what I suppose he thought was a damned effective sex scene from the audiobook version of his novel Those Who Trespass. You may want to have a barf bag ready. Just sayin'.





And here is a touching tribute from The Daily Show's Trevor Noah...




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Wednesday, April 12, 2017

April 14, 2017 Putzes o' the Week!


An Embarrassment of Putzes

You've heard of a pride of lions, right? And of course there is a gaggle of geese, parliament of owls and a murder of crows. Well, this installment of PotW presents An Embarrassment of Putzes. 

Let's face it folks, we've been handed a plethora of putzes this past several days and it wouldn't be right to bestow PotW status on just one honoree.

So I beg your indulgence while I introduce our four, yes, four Putzes of the Week!


Senior Tour Putz o' the Week
Mitch McConnell

What can we say about this putz that hasn't been said before and with greater heat and elegance? Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank declared McConnell "The Man Who Broke America" and that sums it up pretty nicely. For decades this Duplicitous Droopy Dog Kentuckian has calmly and effectively been working against the American people he has sworn serve. He has joined the ranks of History's Great (Not) and Powerful who somehow have acquired the knack of being able to screw the people and make them love him--and vote for him--as if he was actually their friend and ally. Of course his real talent most likely is the ability to create and exploit relationships with those who enrich him while he makes their own paths to wealth smoother through legislative legerdemain. But although he has been in elected public office since 1977 McConnell didn't really start climbing to the summit of Putz Peak until 2008, when America thought it might like to see what life was like with someone other than a white man in the White House. That was when good ol' Mitch rolled up his sleeves, rubbed his hands together and gleefully, if droopily, declared war on Truth, Justice and the American Dream. And why would he do such a thing? Because he didn't want that upstart black man to get any credit. Making Barack Obama a one-term president was his publicly declared Priority One. Not working toward a better America for all, but making our president look bad. Putz move on a national scale.

Since then he has racked up the Putz Points with remarkable consistency and determination, culminating, we thought, in 2016 by making good on his promise to block any nomination that uppity you-know-what might make to replace Antonin Scalia as Associate Supreme Court Justice. No sirree, not on his watch. Mitch did what any self-respecting racist chin collector with a healthy appreciation of power would do. He gummed up the works and made it impossible for Merrick Garland to even get a hearing. And then just last Friday he...

...you know what he did. He went Putz Nuclear.

MocConnell completed his demolition of the Senate, which is to say an vitally important part of our rapidly deteriorating "representative" government, by turning it from the Chamber of Grown-Ups to, well, a petty, embarrassing collection of nasty, self-serving twats who would rather change the rules to get what they want than engage in a little good-faith negotiation and compromise. All to cram through Neil M. Gorsuch, a jurist sent straight to us from an era ol' Mitch finds much more to his liking, when privileged white men knew their place and it was standing over everyone else and pissing on them.

Accumulating Putz Points since, well, since before this picture was taken. We now make it official...


Senior Tour Putz o' the Week:  Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell "Mitch" McConnell.





Corporate Putz o' the Week
United Airlines




You've seen the video. There isn't anything that needs to be added to this incredibly idiotic display of bad decision making by someone in the employ of the company that used to invite us all to "Fly the Friendly Skies". Having the newly honored PRWeek's "Communicator of the Year", United's CEO Oscar Munoz completely bungle the immediate corporate response was just another layer of poop on a cellphone video pile of enormous magnitude.

So congratulations, United Airlines. You've captured the very first Corporate Putz o' the Week award.



Evil International Son-of-a-Bitch Putz o' the Week
Bashar al-Assad


What kind of sick puppy drops bombs loaded with sarin gas on anyone, much less his own countrymen (and women and children)? In this case the sick puppy is tall, well groomed and absent even once ounce of humanity. Nothing is more important to him than being  President of Syria, Commander-in-Chief of the Syrian Armed Forces, and General Secretary of the ruling Arab Socialist Ba'ath Party, offices he has held for the last nineteen years and is apparently so fond of he has no qualms about killing millions of Syrians to keep them. And how did he reach such heights? His daddy, who was Syria's president for twenty-nine years, put him there. What qualifications does he bring to the jobs? The putz studied ophthalmology in London.

What possesses anyone to perpetrate the sort of mass horrors this sicko has visited on millions of people over the past several years is beyond the comprehension of just about any decent human being, and that may be a blessing. For to see the world through those eyes would wound any soul.

"Look, Daddy! Dead Syrians!"

International, Evil, Son-of-a-Bitch Putz o' the Week:  Bashar al-Assad.


And, finally...


Putz o' the Week, Junior Rising Star Division
Sean Spicer


The man who ran, unsuccessfully, for class president all four years he attended Connecticut College, and for his efforts was bestowed the nickname "Sean Sphincter" by the college newspaper, will likely never be president of anything. However, as the spokesperson for #45 the Sphinc has been accumulating Putz Points from the get-go.

This past week our Junior Putz Star followed the example of his boss once again by speaking without benefit of preceding his utterances with thought. This resulted in two very Putz-like mistakes. First, he somehow forgot by what method Nazi Germany exterminated six million Jews and other "undesirables". Yes, Sean, they used gas. Second, well, Ashley Parker of the Washington Post put it well when she tweeted:

"There's a reason there's a good rule of thumb that Hitler / the Holocaust should only ever be compared to Hitler / the Holocaust."

By the way for sheer entertainment value I do recommend this video which documents Ms. Parker's reactions during the press conference.

All public officials should keep that rule of thumb in mind. When you feel a Hitler/Holocaust comparison about to escape your lips, clamp them shut and swallow. No matter how foolish the frantic bobbing of your Adam's apple may look, it is nothing compared to how completely dumb you will sound if the words come out.

Or as Nancy Reagan would instruct: "Just say no." Even if all the other kids are doing it. Really.

There was a slight diminishing of Spicer's Putz Score Total when, with what appeared to be a sincere heart, he apologized for his gaffe. For a moment there was a possibility he would lose out on his PotW status. But budding talent must be recognized and encouraged and so it is with great pleasure we declare...

Putz o' the Week Junior Rising Star:  Sean Spicer




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Friday, April 7, 2017

April 7 Putz o' the Week...Senator Jeff Flake!




We're kicking off our PotW awards with a local boy. He has been accumulating Putz Points for the past several months, mainly by trading in what seemed to be at least a teensy bit of integrity and grownupedness during the presidential campaign by distancing himself and even, on occasion, calling out the person we now know as #45  for a case of "Yup, you betcha, whatever that nice twittery fella wants is okie doke with me."

Here is what the Flakester has done lately to earn the coveted Putz o' the Week award:

  • He co-sponsored a Joint Resolution that gives hunters the go ahead to shoot wildlife from aircraft, bait grizzly bears, and kill wolves and coyotes during denning season and killing bear cubs and/or their mothers.
     Of course I suppose we shouldn't expect much in the way of respect for God's creatures from a man whose son was responsible for the deaths of 20 dogs due to incompetence and neglect. CNN story about kennel deaths

  • The Federal Communications Commission's rules for broadband privacy have been obliterated thanks to a bill introduced by Flake. Now, internet providers are free to sell your browsing history to anyone they like. Why would he do such a thing? Well, some would say cash contributions from Verizon, AT&T, Century Link, T-Mobile and Cox might have something to do with it, but really I think the good junior Senator just wants to...well, actually I think he likes the money.

  • Flake has literally plastered his Facebook page and his website with entirely disingenuous reasons why ultra-conservative, big business loving Supreme Court nominee Neil M. Gorsuch deserves to be approved. And he has defended the very unsenatorial action of taking the "nuclear option" in order to ramrod Gorsuch through. He will admit to nothing when it comes to the deplorable inaction on the Merrick Garland nomination, as a matter of fact, as far as he is concerned it never happened. And why, oh why are the Democrats being so petty and stubborn about the whole thing anyway? This alone would have put him into Putz Contention.

Here in Arizona we are used to scheming, nasty, completely unqualified morons in public office. It's kind of thing with us. Beautiful state, idiot government. I get it. So don't be surprised if more PotW's come local grown. But this week belongs to the man who asked Neil Gorsuch if he would rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck. For a fleeting moment I hoped that meant Flake knew he was interviewing someone who was an illegitimate contender for a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land.

But I was wrong. He did it because he's a Putz.

Here's a pic showing us a different side of the distinguished Senator Flake.


            

April 21, Putz o' the Week

April 21, 2017 Putz o' the Week William James O'Reilly Jr. Aka: Gasbag McBlovy This one was way, way too eas...